Chickadee and Me

Dear Blogland:

I’m looking for volunteer opportunities. If any of you out there are involved in organizations that might need some help, PLEASE let me know. I’m hoping to go back to school sometime in this lifetime and really need to kick my resume up a notch. I need experience working with organizations who are doing development or humanitarian aid work in developing countries. I have lots of coordination experience under my belt but it’s in the technology field and I really need to figure out a way to apply these skills to what I really want to be doing.  If you’re already working my dream job (Program management/ coordination) and have any advice on how to break into the field, I’d REALLY appreciate it!!

I’m feeling increasingly overwhelmed with my lack of a job/ knowing what I want to be doing but not being given the opportunity and so I’m sending this out to the universe in hopes that maybe, just maybe, something good will come of it. I need some help and I’m not the best at asking for it… so, here it is. Universe, can you please send something this way?

Regards,

Flailing MB

I can use all the good vibes, thoughts, prayers, anything you can muster tomorrow around 2:30! I have an interview for a really exciting job (one that I need desperately) and could really use the positive energy!! So if you have a spare minute and a spare thought, please send it my way!

…or maybe a few more than that. I’m heading out tomorrow for a few days of fun in the sun at Hilton Head Island, SC. My parents and nephew are going down for the week and I’m going to meet them there for a few days. I’m really excited to see them and to be able to spend some much needed time with the best nephew ever. I’ll try to update my blog while I’m there, and will hopefully include a few pictures!!

I’ve decided one good thing about not having a real job yet, is that I can take off whenever I want to!! :). It’s been great being able to take off for a couple of days to visit Nashville, Louisville, Birmingham, and now Hilton Head!!! I certainly can’t do any complaining about that!!

And just because it’s been a while, here’s my latest “window” shopping. I haven’t bought anything yet, but a girl can dream. haha.

I know many of you may be wondering “What is this girl thinking!” But, I happen to think this little coat is adorable and full of spunk and character!! I think it’s a funny little coat that my Little Bird could wear proud!

On Tuesday I celebrated the official end to my 20s by welcoming in the next decade of my life. It was a fun day of food, bowling, food and more food. We went to the Imperial Fez for dinner and had a 5 course Moroccan feast. The walls were covered in carpets, fabric hung from the ceiling, we sat on giant pillows on the floor and ate with our hands. We watched several belly dancers dancing with swords and fire and I even had Happy Birthday sung to me in Arabic. All in all it was a great way to welcome my 30s.

It’s strange, but I’m actually really excited about this next chapter of my life. I’ve made some HUGE changes in the past few months and today I’m really looking forward to all the great things that will finally start coming together.

I hope you all had a great Memorial Day weekend! I know I did! Since last Wednesday I have been to Birmingham, AL, Nashville, TN and Louisville, KY. I drank beer at BB Kings, listened to folk music at Cadillac Ranch, bet on a few horse races (They even have 10cent bets!!) at Churchill Downs and of course sipped on mint juleps while I was there! It was great to have a few days where I didn’t have to worry about jobs or money or when the adoption ball will start rolling. I was able to just be… which was much needed! I also had the chance to spend some quality time with my aunt who I don’t get to see very often. All in all, it was a fabulous weekend!

This month I read It’s Not Okay with Me by Janine Maxwell. I had the honor of hearing her speak a couple of weeks ago. Her book is a moving story about how she gave up her cushy corporate job to make a difference in the lives of HIV/AIDS orphans in Africa through her organization Heart for Africa.

Next, I believe I am going to finally start Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

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Every year I say I’m going to read more this year that last. I’ve decided that for 2008 I am going to keep an ongoing list of the books I read here. I’ll update it each time I finish a book. If you have any suggestions, please leave them here!

The Martian Child - by David Gerrold (Jan)

Looking for Lovedu - by Ann Jones (Feb)

There is no Me Without You - Melissa Fay Greene (March)

The Lovely Bones - by Alice Sebold (April)

It’s Not Okay With Me - by Janine Maxwell (May)

Rumors stress me out. On one of my yahoo groups I’m on, I read a post about rumors and Ethiopia today. I’d rather not go into what the rumors are, simply because as far as I know they’re just rumors and I hate to add fuel to the fire. The same rumors spread last year about this time and even though I’ve heard them before they’re still scary and they make you think. So really, my point to all of this is to tell you what they’ve made me think about. So here goes:

• I believe my child is in Ethiopia. It’s a country I’ve never been to, one that until a year or two ago I didn’t really know anything about (other than what you see on Save the Children commercials, etc). But over the past year I’ve felt a connection to this place that’s quite literally on the other side of the world. Every day I feel that connection growing stronger. I read blogs and books, I search for photos and stories…I am constantly on the look-out for new information about this country and its people. With each new shred of information I become more certain that this is where my child is waiting.
• I’m scared. I’m scared of what could happen to the programs in Ethiopia before I’m ready to start. I worry about all the what-ifs of parenthood. I worry about the extra weight that’s put on that by being a single parent. I worry about the financial side of things. I worry about all the heartache my child and her parents will have to go through before we become a family. I worry about the journey my child will have to make both physically and emotionally. I worry “will I be enough”.
• I have hope. I have hope that everything will happen when it’s supposed to. I have hope that I am doing the right thing. I have hope that the day I am united with my child that a section of my heart that I didn’t know was empty will open up and beat for the first time. I have hope in the miracle of family and the security and love that I can provide a child.
• I have found purpose. I will forever be bound to the people of Ethiopia. I will forever have the responsibility to make a difference. It will be my job to instill that responsibility in my child. It will also be my job to raise them so that they know the beauty, strength and resilience of their culture. I am forever involved and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Today I’m grateful for: believing that I can make a difference.

Happy Mother’s Day to all Moms, new and old. Happy Mother’s Day to my Mom and the many like her, who left far too early. Happy Mother’s Day to all the women in our lives who provide love and a shoulder when we need it.

Today I had the opportunity to take my grandfather to his aunt’s 100th birthday party in South Carolina. I love learning about my family’s history and today was a great day for that. I was able to see the house where my great-grandmother grew up and also the house she lived in after my great-grandfather passed away. It is all really fascinating to me and I love each little slice of history I’m able to get out of my grandfather. It was fun listening to him tell stories about growing up and about his Mom’s life, etc and I loved watching him with his Mom’s sister and brother. It was another window into my family’s story and what my grandfather was like. It was really cool to be able to take him today.

A while back a friend of mine would end each blog entry with something she was thankful for that day. In an attempt to become and remain positive about things, I’m going to give it a shot for a while. So…

Today I am grateful for the opportunity to spend time with my grandfather and to learn more about his life and as a consequence, my own.

I know I said, way back here, that I was going to try to keep a positive outlook for the month of April. Well, it didn’t last and it’s quickly seeping into May. I’m having a really hard time lately. I feel guilty blogging about it here and even thought about starting a secret blog somewhere where I can write about my lack of daily happenings without boring you all to tears. But I haven’t…yet (so you may just want to stop reading here). I’ve also thought about taking this blog off-line just to spare you all the complaining and to keep you from witnessing the pity-party I really want to throw for myself but of course I haven’t done that either.

This transition is difficult. It’s challenging and sad…. and lonely. I left a lot of really great things behind in New England and I’m really missing them these days. I’m starting to lose the excitement and the belief that I’ve opened up a whole world of possibilities by making this move. I want to still believe…to trust that it was the right thing to do, but it’s a struggle right now. I’ve met some amazing people here and I’m really excited about developing my friendships with them but I miss the ease that history provides. I miss having someone around who gets me.

Not having a full-time job has been a big drain both financially and emotionally. It’s hard work being unemployed!! I’m working part-time right now at a job I dread going to. My schedule is completely sporadic so there’s no resemblance to a normal schedule and I really don’t make any money  doing it. I have a hard time  when things are in transition.  Waiting to find out if things are going to work out, has never been one of my strong points. I’ve had too many of those experiences in my life that were followed by bad news…so they make me quite uncomfortable.

I know I should just be grateful that I have a job at all…that I have a roof over my head and food to eat… and I am grateful for that. Really. It’s just hard to hold up my life right now to what I thought/wanted it to be. Things just haven’t worked out like I thought they would and I feel farther away from this adoption than I ever have.

I think, as Holly Golightly puts it, I might just have a case of the mean reds. “The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of.” That’s kind of how I feel right now… like everything’s a big mess and I’m scared that it’s all just going to fall completely apart.